JAPAN ASIA INVESTMENTS
PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE,
WON'T YOU SELL YOUR GOLD!?
February 19, 2006
Donald Dross*
Yesterday I received a letter from the IGM Group that I thought might interest you. Here it is in its entirety:
Dear Mr. Dross:
You are the most obstinate, most stubborn small investor that we have ever encountered. My partners here at International Gold Manipulators have asked me to write this urgent letter to you. We advise you, we beg you, to sell all your gold stocks immediately. Please pretty please!
Your brokerage account is on my screen as I write this letter. You are awash in junior golds and you have not sold a single share. Mr. Dross, if I may so, you are heading for disaster.
In December we gave you a hundred point run-up in the price of gold, figuring you would take some profits. You failed to do so. You took nothing off the table. In fact, you nibbled more shares as we took the price up to $540.
So we decided to shake your tree. We took gold down from $540 to $490 in the blink of an eye. We figured you would be frightened. We figured you would be scared out of the gold market entirely. Instead, you had the colossal nerve to buy more shares on the dip.
Mr. Dross, around these parts we call a spade a spade. You are a nibbler and a dip.
In desperation, my partners and I decided to try it once more in the hope of separating you from your small stash. Yes, even though your investment is well below our radar screen, you have come to represent the extreme pig-headed, close-minded small investor that keeps us awake nights.
And so we swung the price of gold upwards, all the way to $570. Then we abruptly pivoted and took it down practically overnight to $530. We took bets among ourselves that your fear would overcome your greed. Alas, your worst instincts triumphed. In a rash of megalomania such as the world has never seen, you had the chutzpah to buy more penny gold stocks at the bottom in the $530 to $545 range.
My friend, you are on your way to bankruptcy, to the poor house, to debtors' prison. You think that debtor's prison has been abolished? Not in Syria it hasn't. The United States government will pick you up and put you on a plane and remit you to the tender mercies of the Syrian prison system.
Do you have any idea that an ominous signal appeared on the gold charts in the past ten days? First there was the Cleft Chin pattern. It is called the Cleft Chin pattern because it resembles a cleft chin. A Cleft Chin pattern is not necessarily fatal in itself. But when it is followed by a Prosthetic Elbow formation-so-called because the chart resembles a prosthetic elbow-then Watch Out Below! The combination of Cleft Chin and Prosthetic Elbow is so rare that it occurs only once every hundred years, on average.
The last time this deadly combination appeared was in October, 1917, on the chart of the industrial stocks on the Moscow Stock Exchange. Less than a week later, on October 25 to be exact, the Bolsheviks took over the government and immediately abolished private property, sending all equity prices to bupkis.
All right, you admit that a Cleft Chin and Prosthetic Elbow chart combination has appeared in the gold charts. But you don't think it means that you are about to lose your shirt, do you Mr. Dross? Well, that's exactly what it does mean. Unless you heed our heartfelt advice and sell all your gold stocks immediately, you will be wiped out. Maybe you want that to happen; maybe you have a death wish. But WE don't want it to happen. We are watching out for your best financial interests, Mr. Dross.
Sell. Sell all your gold shares and hold nothing but cash. Do it right now! Cash is the only true money in the world. The Federal Reserve Notes that you will hold are being colorized for your added gratification. I know that you are going to say that a Federal Reserve Note is only a promise to pay. But it is much more than that, Mr. Dross. It is a promise to pay that is fully backed by a promise to pay.
I confess that my analysis of your computer activity shows that you spend minimal time on sites that contain charts. You are clearly not a chartist and apparently you do not believe in the uncanny ability of charts to predict future price movements in equities. In the securities business there's a word for someone like you: "technical ignoramus." We point this out, of course, in your best interests. Someone has to talk straight with you. We have taken on this responsibility. After all, we are fiduciaries. We are committed to putting your interests ahead of our own.
We are fully cognizant of the fact that you are a fundamentalist investor. And so we give you two overwhelming fundamental reasons to sell gold now.
First, we are drafting a bill for Congress declaring the ownership of gold to be a felony and ordering all American citizens to turn in their physical gold to the government, for which there will be reimbursement at the rate of $35 per ounce. Furthermore, anyone holding shares of gold mining companies must immediately sell them or, if there are no bids, declare them worthless. We have instructed President Bush to push this legislation through Congress on Friday afternoon. The new statute will be revealed to the media as soon as the stock exchanges close. I cannot honestly tell you whether it will happen this Friday or next Friday. If I could, I would, but there are a few bribes that have to be delivered. Their total cost is trivial compared to what is at stake. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, you should bail out immediately.
If that isn't enough to rattle your cage, Mr. Dross, then here is the clincher. You must be aware that alchemists as far back as the Middle Ages, including Roger Bacon (1214-1294), somehow discovered that lead was the closest mineral to gold. Although the alchemists did not achieve the vaunted transmutation of lead into gold, their amazing insight was corroborated by physicists in the twentieth century who found that lead has an atomic number of 82 whilst the atomic number of gold is 79. Therefore, gold could be produced simply by removing three protons from each atom of lead. A month ago, a group of scientists in Zurich did just that and achieved the alchemist's dream! By using advanced nanotechnology, they were able to send an electric current through the lead that would remove three, and only three, protons from each lead nucleus. Thus bricks of lead could be transmuted into bricks of gold! All they needed was a nine-volt battery, six transistors, and a set of 24 wires that are attached in specific places to the brick of lead. I actually witnessed the gnomes doing this process. I stared at the lead brick on the table, and it slowly started to shine from one end to the other. In two and a half minutes, it was no longer lead. It was pure gold!
This scientific milestone will be announced to the world in Science Magazine within the month. We are already negotiating with Lego to fill the stores with kits for children in the seven to ten year old bracket. The kits will consist of pieces of lead in the shape of legos, plus the requisite wires and transistors (which by the way are dirt cheap these days). The final deal is being held up by a disagreement over whether the battery should be included. But we are making progress on that point, and we are confident that the deal will soon be finalized. The vision of children all over the world constructing castles, bridges, condos, theme parks, etc., out of pure gold Legos, and throwing the unused pieces at each other, is exciting, isn't it? This will be the best-selling toy of all time.
I leave it to you to fill in the necessary deductions. If the availability of gold becomes as ubiquitous as lead, and if the price reduces to less than a penny per ounce, we defer to you to calculate what will happen to the present price of gold when this news gets out. We also leave it to you to decide what to do with your junior gold mining stocks. We hope, for your sake and the sake of your wife and children who do not deserve to die from hunger, that you will make the correct decision.
This letter shall not be construed as investment advice.
Most honestly and sincerely yours,
Byron Goldfinger
Secretary-Treasurer, IGM
* Donald Dross is an associate of Japan Asia Investments. This letter may be freely copied or quoted.
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