Culinary Accounting

March 18, 2002

My creative prowess knows no bounds these days. I have a suggestion for Mr. Magoo and our Red Chinese Secretary of Labor on a new job classification. Yes, the fusion of accounting and cooking has allowed the economic cuisine of the United States to showcase Enron amongst others. So why not create a job title of accountant/chef or bookkeeper/cook? The skill showed in cooking corporate books should make a killer Sunday Brunch in my humble opinion. Just a thought mind you.

As the American economy continues to resemble a fog bank descending upon unlucky motorists, we see that Mr. Magoo is perfecting his fog making pronouncement ability. Mr. Magoo's economic crimes pale in comparison to his mangling of the English language. As a writer I feel my role is to explain my ideas so you can at least understand them. You may or may not agree with them, but at least everyone can understand what I write. What are we to make of a Central Banker whose chief claim to fame is that nobody can understand what he says? Of course, that's the whole point of Mr. Magoo's economic pronouncements. I mean if we could understand him, or if by some fluke he actually told us the economic reality, the proles might get nervous. There is much talk about transparency in the economic sphere. I say how about some in official utterances from the FED? We wouldn't want to end up like those hapless motorists in Georgia now would we? But we can be sure that Mr. Magoo, busily pumping the levers of the fog machine, has our best interests at heart. Even though the FED is owned by bankers, controls the economy for bankers and wags its tail at their command, we KNOW that it's a servant of the people. An American economy of the bankers, by the bankers and for the bankers is Mr. Magoo's war chant. What's good for JP Morgan is good for America! Well, it isn't, but then I'm a crank.

It's said that Mr. Magoo is on his way out. Well, I will miss him. He will be replaced by a colorless drone who probably takes showers and not bubble baths for starters. So as we see the lightning flash of our looming economic collapse, and hear the thunderous roar of the coming economic chaos I say we should thank Mr. Magoo as we wait for the final act. Yes, our dear Mr. Magoo as the 1 million volts of electricity surges through our economic infrastructure we will be thinking of you. As our stock market melts into a pile of charred flesh, as our dollar is burnt into nothingness, as the chaos sweeps over our bubble and debt based economy, we will be thinking of you in our final moments. Yes, our dear Mr. Magoo, your name will be on our lips before they melt together for the final time. It's to you we owe the debt based bubble that will destroy us. It's to you we owe the 15 years of lies, half truths; quarter truths that allowed the greatest bubble of all time to be created. So Mr. Magoo think of us fondly while you eat your Brie and drink your Chablis in the hot tub at your Florida condo during retirement. I know you will have a cherished spot, if not in my heart, at least at the tip of my pen for eternity.

A quick update. Please go to and look for one of my essays called United States versus America. It's on there a few stories down, or you can do a search of my name and come up with it. Mr. V chose not to run it, really I didn't think it was THAT inflammatory, so I sent it to Jeff Rense and being either crazy or into free speech he chose to run it. And now back toeconomics.

I don't know why they call the people running this planet the best and the brightest. I think the worst and the stupidest would be more apt. Like I said, I'm a crank. Japan is a perfect example. We are now about two weeks out from the magic March 31st date. You would think by now the powers that be would have some kind of plan for saving the 2nd largest economy in the world from collapse. The good news is they do. The bad news is their plan is to make it another two weeks with the Nikkei above 10,000, another two weeks of fantasy accounting for the bankrupt banks and then deal with it March 31st 2003. That's it. That's the plan from the Dumb and Dumber clones running Japan these days. The 1.5 trillion in bad debt: no problem. The 140% of GDP in government debt( it went up since I wrote last): somebody will loan us money, won't they? All the average citizens buying gold: no problem. I read an article, with my own eyes too, and the upshot of it was this. Sure they sold 25 tons of gold in Japan and the percentage increases are off the chart, but you know what, it's only 25 tons. At least the gold articles aren't ha ha ha anymore. We gold bugs have moved into the so what class! Isn't 25 tons what the Bank of England sold March 6th? Another article breathlessly told me the English gold sovereign bribe for the Duke of Savoy had been found and once the lawyers finish wrangling, about 2050 in my opinion, it would be raised from the sea floor and then sold by England. Then there's the German sale in 2004 I believe. Now if the gold cabal can keep coming up with 25 tons here and 25 tons there all is safe for the oligarchy. No more truth, justice and the American way stuff. It's lies, injustice and the cabal über alles for the 300 Trillion club.

So much for Japan. I'm sure they will play their games and I'm sure the Japanese people will vote with their feet as they say. Back here in the land of Oz sometimes known as the USA we see economic delusions breaking out everywhere. Much like the mysterious rash striking our school children, maybe they started feeding them real vegetables in the cafeteria instead of French fries and their bodies went into shock, we see economic recovery budding everywhere. At least that's what Mr. Magoo says. And we know he never lies, at least when we can understand him. Hmm, if he never lies when we can understand him, and we can never understand him, does that mean he always lies? But if that is the case then he would be a politician and not a Central Banker. It doesn't matter whether we understand a politician or not to know they are lying: all we have to do is see their lips moving.

The statistics please. Retail sales went down, but they were adjusted up. Arthur Anderson is indicted for obstruction of justice, throwing into question the required March 31st audits of a full 20% of the Fortune 1000 companies, but the SEC assures us they won't shoot anybody if the audits are late. Hell, they won't shoot anybody if the audits are wrong either, but that's been the case for decades. The unemployment rate goes down and 66,000 jobs are created, probably out of thin air, but let's not be picky. K-mart lays off 22,000 and Kraft another 7500 but hey, this job fusion of cooking and economic statistics has been in full swing for several years now. Now if we could only get the accountants, bookkeepers and Labor Department statistics group together just imagine the Sunday Brunch that would be. Maybe they could make one of those Jell-O things with the fruit cocktail inside it for instance. I like to think the elite shakes when I write these essays. I like to think that as I thunder from Mt. Mr. Magoo quakes in his bubble bath at least. Sorta like a pan of Jell-O when you shake it maybe. Well, maybe not but it's something for me to fantasize about anyway.

I'm still on for my Memorial Day meltdown and I don't intend to let illusions, delusions and spin control deter me either. Some say I'm too late and some say I'm too early, but I say like the fairy tale that its just right. Just because you can't predict the exact day a person has a heart attack doesn't mean that a no exercise and junk food laced diet won't eventually cause one. Let's see what happens April 1st in Japan for starters. And keep your eye on JP Morgan too. I'm sure Mr. Magoo does for sure. 29 billion in assets backing up 29 TRILLION in derivatives and debt and ticking away. TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. Does Captain Magoo hear the sound of the approaching alligator like Captain Hook did in Peter Pan? Will Mr. Magoo ever make it to his waiting Florida condo? Or will he be sucked down the drain by the alligator called JP Morgan? More importantly, will soccer moms everywhere lose their mini vans to the Repo Man? America, the land of opportunity and if you are an amoral opportunist then that's even better.

Due primarily to the California Gold Rush, San Francisco’s population exploded from 1,000 to 100,000 in only two years.

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